Changing the Face of Divorce – Trending Toward a Better Way

More stressful than any economic crisis is the personal upheaval that often accompanies divorce and family law matters.  Court battles are seldom a “smart” option and they are never affordable.    In Michigan and around the country, out-of-court family law options are becoming increasingly popular.

If anything good has come out of the current economic downturn, it is a sense that people are increasingly willing to demand new, smarter ways of solving some of life’s most important issues.  Having witnessed the expensive and traumatic divorces of friends and family members over the years, many people are insisting they do NOT want “their parents’ divorce.”  Many couples and families dealing with divorce, custody and property issues are relieved to learn about out-of-court family law options that are much more affordable – and also truer to their values.   

Virtually every type of family law matter can be handled through the out-of-court processes of Mediation and Collaborative Practice.  Particularly well-suited for out-of-court options are couples and families who identify with situations like these:

• “My spouse and I agree we can’t save our marriage, but we are basically reasonable people.  We need some expertise in handling our retirement plans and making sure our custody and child support plan is ‘legal.’  We don’t want an expensive divorce battle.   We just don’t know where to turn to solve our problems the way we want.”
• “I have no choice:  I have to leave the state for my job.  I’ve been a truly involved parent and don’t want to lose my relationship with my child(ren).”
• “My spouse has serious emotional or addiction problems.  I have no choice but to consider divorce, but I genuinely want to encourage my spouse to get real help and to become the type of good parent that I know he/she could be.”
• “I have many important business and social contacts.  I absolutely do not want our personal relationship, and our financial issues, to “go public” in any way.  I am just afraid that one of our attorneys will turn our divorce into exactly the type of expensive and embarrassing public proceeding that we do not want.”

When O, the Oprah magazine, advises readers to meet with a mediator “right away,” you know that the trend toward out-of-court divorce options is on its way to mainstream acceptance.  Celebrities like Robin Williams and his wife, chose the option of Collaborative Practice – and are handling their divorce in privacy, focusing on their children and making personal decisions between themselves and their attorneys.  Mediation and Collaborative Practice are ideal options for couples under financial stress, but they are especially compelling when issues of publicity, privacy and careful financial planning or small business issues are present.

It is encouraging to report that this trend toward out-of-court options is gaining steam.   The face of divorce is changing not only here in Michigan but across the U.S. and in many countries with similar legal systems (such as Canada, Australian England and Ireland).  Some states and some other Michigan counties have well-established mediation and collaborative communities that have been operating for years.

With out-of court options, the parties don’t initiate a court battle.  Instead, along with their attorneys, their mediator or any other counselors and financial advisors, they participate in the “heavy lifting” of hammering out an agreement.   They key is striking an agreement outside of the court process – as traditional litigation typically imposes costs, deadlines, hyper-charged emotions and, sometimes, high-stakes “all or nothing” decision-making in crisis mode.

People who are beginning to think about divorce sometimes worry that mediation is all about compromising.   (“I’ll just be asked to give up on what I really want.”)   Not so.  The parties are asked to focus very carefully on what they truly want for their futures and for their children in a very deliberate way.  Some couples are afraid they might get “stuck” on their issues, and they will wind up in a court battle anyway.   Unlikely.  Even with traditional divorce litigation, the odds of going to trial are minimal.   (Some reports say only 2% of the cases make it to court).  Rest assured, experienced mediators and collaborative professionals have both the training and experience to help create a much wider arrange of options and, frequently, help the parties arrive at resolutions that are mind-blowingly creative.

When divorce starts to emerge as a reality, many couples and families face dark days and fear many more ahead.  While in some instances litigation is the only feasible option, litigation consumes vast financial resources and often destroys many peoples’ hope for positive family relationships after divorce.   Mediation and Collaborative Practice offer new hope, based on real results.  Divorcing couples often identify out-of-court processes as the starting point for recapturing their sense of optimism and envisioning truly realistic ways to work toward a better future.


About the author:
Denise Couling is an attorney and mediator with the Family Mediation & Collaborative Practice Center located in Brighton. The FM&CPC is affiliated with the law firm of Nichols, Sacks, Slank, Sendelbach & Buiteweg, P.C. Couling is certified in Collaborative Practice and is a member of LIPA (www.lipa-mi.com).   She may be reached at This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it or (810) 227-3800.  For the firm’s website (including many links to articles, seminars and resources regarding family law, mediation and collaborative practice), visit www.NSSSB.com or www.FamilyMediationCollaborativePractice.com.